It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Randomize
