she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
where are you?
Hypothermia
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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