just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I could fuck to npr.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
