Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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