Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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