morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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