I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
