Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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