Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
