If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My bed smells like the plague
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