i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
