mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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