You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
