i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
