This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
