I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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