you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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