then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
