He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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