My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
it glows. i had to have it.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
