I want to have your abortion
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
