it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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