I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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