Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
