I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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