We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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