I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
