you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
