Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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