Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just cut my nipple shaving
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
