I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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