I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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