he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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