PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
