What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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