You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
