I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
