my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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