There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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