i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
