So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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