i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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