Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im six kinds of drunk right now
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
