Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
