I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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