Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
