nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize