just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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