you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
