some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
