I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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