This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
