he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
