this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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