I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
