I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
