Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My dad just said "fuck circus"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
