i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Randomize
