Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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