Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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