How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
