i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
