I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
