I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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