Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
